Dear, Diary. It’s been three long months since we’ve been taken aboard this flying thing in space. I don’t know who these people are but they seem to want us alive. I figure that if they wanted us dead, they could have killed us long ago. Unfortunately, we’ve now been thrown into the general population of this detention block and I fear that our captor’s desire to keep us alive is not shared with the other inmates. I’m scared, diary. We haven’t seen the narrator in sooo long, I’m afraid that his efforts to free us have led to his own demise. Why won’t they just let us go? Why do they want me? They can have the others but why me? I’m soo frightened. They shot Starks. I don’t wanna get shot. I want my bed. I want to cry. I wanna go home! I want my mommy!
	What’cha writin’?
	Dammit, Ortiz. I told you not to sneak up on me!
	I’m sorry, Chon Walsh. What’chu doin’?
	Nothing really. Just..uhhh…just making some notes in my journal.
	Doing what?
	He’s writing in his diary!
	AM NOT!!
	Chon Walsh, are you writing in a diary?
	No. It’s my journal.
	And what do you do with your journal?
	Well…..I write down notes and things.
	Uh huh….
	And I talk about my feelings about stuff that’s happening.
	Yup. Kinda like a diary. Right, fruity?
	Hehehehehehehe
	No. There’s a difference.
	Yeah….sure there is. Hey, little girl, I’ll be over here if you feel like cryin’ or bleedin’ or somethin’.
	DAVID!
	What?
	That was the most sexist, pig headed, ignorant thing I’ve ever heard you say!
	Oh yeah? Well, how about this? I’m gonna squat and let you eat my shi…
	Nyugh blouja krowvlr!!!
	AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
	WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!?? Martha!! Stay by me!!
	What is that thing?
	Gyurk mubefs wiaz!
	Hey, Walsh. Howsabout putting down your diary and checking this out?
	What makes you think that I know anything more about these alien beings than you do?
	Gyurk mubefs wiaz!
	Wait a minute, Chon Walsh. I think I understand what he’s saying. Let me just get a bit closer so I can hear him better.
	Be careful, little buddy.
	Wow. Could Ortiz really understand this alien being? Is the language barrier really that thin?
	Buenos dias.
	Gyurk?
	Amazing.
	Abran los libros.
	WIAZ!! (CHOMP)
	AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
	AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
	HOLY SHIT!!
	Oh my…
	That mother fucker just bit Shorty!
	DIOS MIO!!!!!
	Someone get over there and help out Ortiz.
	Fuck that shit, white man! I already been shot. I ain’t lettin’ no walrus lookin’ mother fucker take a chunk outta my black ass!
	Crowe?
	You do it, Walsh. We ain’t in your prison anymore.
	Jesus. Fine. C’mon, Ortiz. Get up.
	He fucking bit me, Chon Walsh.
	I know, Ortiz.
	THAT CHIT FUCKING HURTS, MAN!!
	Watch out behind you, Johnny!
	Gyurk mubefs wiaz!
	What the hell is he saying?
	He doesn’t like you.
	Well, no fucking shit, honkey!!
	I don’t like you either!
	Oh really, bitch? You got a problem with black people mother fucker!?
	Oh, Davey. What happened to that man’s face?
	Don’t worry, peanut.
	Who are you?
	You better watch it. We’re wanted men.
	But you’re already in jai…
	I’ve got the death sentence on twelve systems.
	We’ll be more careful.
	You’ll be dead!!
	I just ruined my pants, Chon Walsh.
	Fine. We’ll keep our distance and stay over here. We won’t bother you anymore. Come on, guys. Let’s head over here.
	I’m tellin’ ya, Walsh. I got a bad feeling about this.
	Oh, Davey, I wanna go home.
	I know, honey.
	I want to be able to lay on my own bed.
	Of course you do, dear.
	I want to be able to take off my socks and roll them up and walk around on our shag carpet and make fists with my toes.
	Yes, dear.
	I want to order room service.
	Martha.
	I want to take off my clothes and play “Master of the Jungle” with you.
	Martha!
	Come on, David. Be the bicycle shop owner and I’ll be that boy Dudley from Diff’rent Strokes.
	MARTHA!!! SHUT YOUR BIG FAT FUCKING…..
	Who you callin’ “fat”?
	Oh, I’m sorry. They weren’t talking about you.
	Who are you?
	Name’s Porkins. How ya doin?
	How did you end up here?
	Top secret operation with Rogue Squadron. Hey, lady, you got any candy?
	I don’t think I have any…
	Rogue what?
	It’s a long story. Listen, you got a Snickers bar or somethin’?
	Hey, fat ass, will you quit talkin’ about food?
	I’m not fat! I’m big boned.
	You’re big assed!
	Up yours, Rendar!
	Obviously it’s up yours, Porkins, because it’s the size of a Hutt. Seriously, how the hell did you get on Rogue Squadron?
	It’s not the size of the pilot, it’s how he flies the ship.
	………………………..
	That’s just fucking retarded.
	Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk
	And you can shut the fuck up over there, fish head.
	He doesn’t like you.
	He can suck my balls.
	I don’t like you either.
	Tough shit.
	You better watch it. We’re wanted men. I’ve got the death sentence on twelve systems.
	Yeah, we already heard all this, cracker!!
	Guys, just ignore it, okay? We need to put our heads together and come up with a plan to…
	You’ll be dead!!
	LISTEN, YOU DEFORMED FUCKING SLUG OF A MAN!! I’VE ABOUT HAD ENOUGH OF ALL OF THIS SHIT! ME AND MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN TORN AWAY FROM OUR HOMES AND BROUGHT ABOARD A GIANT FUCKING SPACE BALL FILLED WITH GUYS IN CREEPY WHITE ARMOR AND SLIMY PRICKS WITH BRITISH ACCENTS!! THEN WE’RE THROWN IN HERE TO DEAL WITH BITING WALRUSES AND PILOTS WITH WEIGHT ISSUES!
	You calling me fat?
	SHUT THE FUCK UP!! WE HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE’RE HERE OR WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN TO US BUT IF YOU THINK THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE THE DEATH SENTENCE SCARES ME, THEN THINK TWICE FUCKER!! I’M JOHN -MOTHER FUCKING- WALSH!! I HOST AMERICA’S MOST WANTED!! I’VE HUNG UP T-SHIRTS MEANER THAN YOU!! KING KONG AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME!! SO, WHY DON’T YOU AND YOUR FRIEND JUST TAKE A HIKE AND GET OUTTA MY FACE BECAUSE I DON’T REALLY FEEL LIKE LOOKING AT YOUR DISGUSTING FACE!!
	……………….
	Whoah.
	You tell ‘em, Johnny.
	I love you, Chon Walsh.
	Well, if that wasn’t the rudest thing I’ve ever heard. Did I poke fun at the way you look? Did I criticize your appearance? No. I’m sorry that I can’t be as “handsome” as you are, you insensitive prick. Come on…let’s get outta here. I’d hate to make him keep looking at my face.
	Wiaz.
	Well done. Very well done indeed.
	Huh? How long have you been listening?
	Long enough.
	Around the “Slimey pricks with British accents” part.
	Captain.
	Sorry, sir.
	Well, what do you want?
	Oh, I simply came in here to let you know the good news.
	And what’s that?
	You’re all scheduled for execution next week.
	Hehehehehehehehe
	Captain.
	Sorry, sir.
	So, enjoy what little time you have left. Let’s go, Captain
	Yes, sir.
	I’d like to wrap my hands around his little neck and choke the life outta him.
	Oh, Davey. Like our honeymoon.
	Oh yeah, that reminds me. There’s something I’ve been meaning to say to you.
	What’s that, honey?
	I love you, peanut.
	Oh, Davey!! Mwah mwah mwah!
	I have a headache.
	I think that’s sweet, Chon Walsh.
	Hey, little buddy. What’s your name?
	Call me “Ortiz”.
	Nice to meet you, Ortiz. I’m Dash Rendar the best star pilot in the galaxy.*
	Wow. That’s cool, man.
	Yup. Got a ship and everything.
	Whoah! I never seen a ship before.
	Well, why don’t you come over here and I’ll show ya what it looks like.
	Okay!
	Heh heh heh
	You can pretty much tell where things are going from here. Should I insult you by going all the way to the punchline or should I allow you to just insert your own “cornhole” joke here? I mean, at this point, it’s no surprise what’s gonna happen to Ortiz. It pretty much happens every episode. So, do I write it out or do I just let…..
	AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
	Sit still, bitch! Millenium Cornhole requesting permission to dock!!
	Request denied! REQUEST DENIED!! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
	Well, shit. Looks like they already started. And that’s where this visit must end. Check back for the stunning conclusion to the “Detention Block 1138” saga. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I got an escape to plan.
	There he is…get him!!
	Goodbye, folks!!

.* Given that Han Solo be frozen in carbonite. If Han is thawed, please refer to Dash as “The SECOND greatest star pilot in the galaxy.”